


Suddenly I wanteth to kicketh the bucket

by ZeGhostCow



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Amazing Acoustics, Arachnitongue, Befriending Dementors, Birthday Wish, Blood, Chocolate is the miracle cure, Confirmed 2016, Cows are awesome, Crack, Darth Jar Jar, Darth ZeGhostCow, Dating x2, Dubious Consentacles, Dumbledore and Umbridge die, F/F, Ginny Weasley Bashing, Handsome Voldemort, Has a nice ring don't you think?, Hello!, Horrible Fashion Sense, How was you day?, I Hate Ginny Weasley, I Made That Up, I have Force Powers, I'll get my Daddy, I'm a pleb, Idiots, Idiots Everywhere, Inviting the Dark Lord for tea and biscuits, Is anyone actually reading these?, Kissing, LITERALLY, Let the boy eat!, Like Chocolate, M/M, Manipulative Dumbledore, Mine's going pretty good, Multi, Other, POV Third Person, Protecting Yaoi, Pulling stuff from the arse, Rebel Hermione, Ron is just hungry, Scooby Doo References, Self indulgence, Sims Reference, Sith are Awesome, Slut Ginny, Slytherin Author, Star Wars References, Stupid Dumbledore, The Dursleys are shits, Umbridge is a Toad, Unfit Author, Writer Bashing, birthday gift, dead bodies, hunger games reference, just cause, just thought you should know, mentioned torture, so much blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 15:09:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7806679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeGhostCow/pseuds/ZeGhostCow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was only a matter of time before I wrote a crack fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suddenly I wanteth to kicketh the bucket

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ZeGhostCow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeGhostCow/gifts).



> I always said I was going to insert myself into the story to bash Ginny.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: If I owner Harry Potter this story would be reality. Be thankful I don't own it.
> 
> I advise against reading this fic, but really it is you decision.

One day a young girl made a wish on her birthday.

Her birthday wish was, of course, to go to Hogwarts for a day.

Now, normal people would do it for the chance to see Hogwarts, hang out with everyone who lives there and maybe have the chance to learn some magic. But this young girl wasn’t normal by any means.

Oh no, she was decidedly unnormal. But I suppose anyone who goes to Hogwarts wouldn’t really be normal. Let’s just say she is even more unnormal than those who go to Hogwarts.

So when she wanted to go to Hogwarts, she had another idea in mind. A far more violent and sinister idea. Let’s see how she spends her one day at Hogwarts.

*Transporting to Hogwarts*

The young girl was a little startled to find herself in a new location. However after looking around she realised she recognised the location she fell into. After all what kind of fanfiction writer would she be if she didn’t even recognise the beautiful castle that is Hogwarts.

Once she had found the location she understood what she had to do. And she had to do it now. Her smile terrified all the grass and plants that witnessed it.

A sinister laugh echoed through the Hogwarts grounds filling its residents with dread. But first she needed something from the Forbidden forest.

(Harry POV)

Harry woke up feeling very strange. He couldn’t identify what exactly the feeling was but he knew that something was going to change today.

He got up quickly, not wanting to have the apocalypse start when he only was wearing teddy bear boxers. The Dursleys after all did not want to give Harry any decent clothes. But at least the boxers fit.

After he was dressed he walked down to the common room and saw one of his best friends, Hermione, sitting on one of the couches with her nose in a book. How typical.

On the way down to the Great Hall, Harry tried not to think about a certain dark lord and the amount of positions that he could kiss him in. Just thinking about kissing Voldemort made Harry blush like the virgin he was. 

Hermione noticed his lack of attention but gave up trying to acquire his attention after conjuring a herd of elephants didn’t work.

Soon they reached the Great Hall, where they found Ron who was still sitting there from last night. He was still eating the vast quantities of food the tables kept conjuring.

After Hermione and Harry were seated the rest of the school suddenly was walking through the doors. Ginny walked through sashaying her hips and pushing her chest out to attract Harry’s attention.

Harry ignored the slut who had slept with half the school and focused on drowning his sorrows in tea. Because British.

Once everyone was seated Dumbledore decided to give a fantastic and definitely not boring speech about how to avoid being dark and how everyone must fight the evil darkness. Gryffindor was the only house that had over 50% of them listening. Slytherins put on earmuffs and ignored him. Hufflepuff were all asleep. Ravenclaw ignored him and started to study various silencing spells to get him to shut the fuck up.

Such measures were unnecessary, as it turns out.

For in that moment the doors opened with a bang as epic music flowed in follow by a figure shrouded in shadow.

(Author POV)

She walked into the Great Hall, an army of acromantula behind her. Everyone stared in shock and, in Ron’s case, terror at being faced with hundreds of little spiders. And some not so little spiders.

The young girl wore a cow suit with the hood up and the ears bounced as she strolled down the hall with determination. 

“My dear girl, who might you be? And why are you here?” Dumbledore said, looking angry at being interrupted. But who really gives a shit because nobody was listening to his ramblings. 

“Yes, I was wondering that myself. Especially since you entered the room with disgusting creatures.” A high voice that makes the Author’s sensitive ears bleed said. Her toady face was flushed red with anger, clashing horribly with her pink robes.

But the author ignored the horrific fashion sense of both the voices and focused on the reason she was here.

Her piercing stare latched onto a young red haired girl who was wearing too much makeup who was making pouty lips at one Harry Potter.

“I am here to protect the future of yaoi.”

Everyone in the hall was looking confused with the foreign word.

“What an arrogant little brat. Making up words and then coming over here to disturb the school.” Severus sneered, “She’s probably an ignorant Gryffindor dunderhead-”

“I would not make assumptions about me. Or insult a person who has an army of spiders following them. Besides, every test I have taken places me in Slytherin or Ravenclaw. Now, stop distracting me from my sacred task.”

She walks over to the subject of her ire. Pulling a metal baseball bat from her arse, she prepares to strike. 

What? You’ve never heard of someone pulling things out of their arse? Clearly you have never played Sims; they pull frying pans out of their arses all the time.

Ginny Weasley was still giving lustful looks towards an oblivious Harry and never noticed the girl approach nor hear the girl pull the weapon out her arse.

But everyone heard the loud war cry she gave as she brought the bat down directly onto Ginny’s head. 

“YAAAAAA!!!!!” The bat caused a sizable dent in her head and finally got Ginny to turn her head away from The Boy-Who-Lived.

Ginny howls before turning to face the Girl-In-The-Cow-Suit. Her face pales as blood drips from the dent in her head.

But the cow wasn’t finished. She kept hitting Ginny over and over on various body parts, breaking bones and causing a pile of blood to form under her.

Soon the white and black cow suit was stained red with Ginny’s blood. By this time the unfit cow was panting and holding her legs, having been not used to so much exercise.

Everyone in the hall was shocked by the violent display, with many people discreetly throwing up under their tables. No one wanted the attention of this mad woman on them.

Dumbledore and the teachers finally stopped gaping and decided to do something about the person who just beat a student to death in front of them. Dumbledore pulls out his wand and points it at the now red cow.

“My dear girl, you are a dark witch, your actions today confirm you belong in Azkaban-”

“Sweet. I always wanted to make friends with a Dementor.” This statement further confirmed to the people watching that she was batshit crazy. 

“But can you tell us why Tom sent you here?”

“I sent me here, thank you very much. You see, it’s my birthday and I wished to come to Hogwarts so I could beat Ginny here to death.” She points to the dead Ginny with the bloody bat. 

“I would give her body to the acromantula to eat, but I don’t want them to get sick from all the makeup she was wearing. However, they are hungry so…..maybe we could have some volunteers to feed them…”

As if commanded by an unseen force both Dumbledore and Umbridge say in unison, “I volunteer as tribute.”

“Great!” The cow then turned and used her secret ability arachnitongue to speak to the spiders. ~Eat the pink toad and long bearded one.~

~Of course, mistress.~

The spiders swiftly struck, consuming the two volunteers faster than you could say ‘Avada Kedavra’. The only thing that remained were Umbridge’s pink robes and Dumbledore’s, or rather, Death’s elder wand.

The pink robes because they were too disgusting to even look at, let alone eat them. The wand was left as the acromantula recognised its great power and so left it be.

The stunned silence was broken by the cackles of two twins and Neville, who had long been tormented by the pink bitch. Harry, another sad victim of the toad, was grinning and trying to prevent himself from laughing.

The remaining teachers were all dancing around in happiness after having Ginny the slut, Umbridge the high pitched toad and Dumbledore the manipulative old goat murdered in front of them. Let’s forget that teachers should be concerned for their colleagues and students.

I mean, one of the dead was Umbridge...sooooo….yeah.

All except for Severus Snape, of course, who was smirking maliciously. “You truly are a Slytherin.”

“Obviously, where else would I get my blood lust?”

Harry then walked over to the cow, “Thank you so much for killing Ginny. She kept coming on to me and-”

“You are in love with Voldemort.”

“Um, what?!”

The cow repeated the line while waving her hand. Harry still remained confused.

“Why are my Jedi powers not working? I wished for them last year!”

“Oh, you were trying to mind trick me into loving Voldemort?”

“Yes! And it should work…..unless you already do…..” The cow narrows her eyes at Harry who blushed and attempted to deny it.

“Why bother denying it? Tom Riddle is hot. And smart. And parseltongue is sexy.”

Harry nodded along with all those points, having thought all the same things himself at some point.

“But what am I going to do? I mean, he wants to kill me! He will never love me.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get my Daddy. We’re dating, times two.”

Ron, who was surprisingly quiet having seen his sister be beaten to death in front of him, finally spoke up, “Wait. You love Voldemort? But isn’t he all snakey?”

Completely missing the point.

“Ron! You’re forgetting a more important question.”

“What?” Clueless Ron stared at Hermione with his mouth hanging open so you could see all the food he was eating. One would wonder why he was still eating after watching his sister be brutally murdered.

People who think that are stupid. Obviously watching someone beat up your sister would work up an appetite. Duh.

Hermione huffs, not understanding how she can be surrounded by idiots all the time, “Clearly you lack any brain cells whatsoever. The important question to be asking is, why Harry isn’t bothered by the fact he loves a murderer, his own parents murderer to be exact?”

“That’s because Voldemort didn’t kill his parents….from a certain point of view.” The cow woman interrupted. “You see, Voldemort did kill his parents but none of that would have happened if a certain person didn’t create a prophecy that would put Harry and therefore his parents in the firing line.”

“But who would do such a callous deed?” Professor McGonagall asked. 

“Who indeed? The culprit, and real dark lord, is…..” There was a pause for dramatic effect before the bloody bat was pointed at another bat.

“...Professor Trelawney….” Gasps of shock echo through the hall; the acoustics in the hall are amazing.

Professor Trelawney looks angry at being exposed in such a manner. Hermione is merely looking on in disbelief and betrayal at the thought of another authority figure being evil. In that moment something broke inside Hermione, unleashing a demon whose rebellious nature and disregard of the rules would haunt many an authority figure in times to come.

“Of course I was a Dark Lord, what did you expect? I am clearly evil incarnate; it’s a wonder you never noticed before.”

“Who is your master?” The cow bellows, force power flowing through her.

“Why my master is Darth JarJar, the most fearsome and evil Dark Lord in history. No other Dark Lord has upset or disappointed so many people so quickly. I learnt from the best, let you now feel my power.”

Her evilness burst from her body causing shudders in all the students and teachers.

However, one house had had enough. It was tired of all these Dark Lords popping up and being evil. It was tired of being thought of as canon fodder in wars against said Dark Lords. And it decided, as one, it was not going to put up with it again.

The entirety of Hufflepuff house stood and pointed their wands at Darth Trelawney. As one they intoned, “Avada Kedavra!” The green light smashed into Trelawney destroying her great power.

It did not end her life right away, she had enough life to say one thing…

“I would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.” And she was dead.

And Hufflepuff received a giant applause from all the students who were impressed with their bravery/intelligent timing/use of a very dark spell. Thus, house unity was solved with a single action.

What no one realised, apart from the awesome author cow, was that Severus Snape had slipped out of the room to invite Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters in for tea and biscuits.

When he returned, after being shagged several times by Lucius, the entirety of the Death Eaters was following him. Bringing up the rear was the gorgeously handsome Lord Voldemort, who looked like a twenty year old Tom Riddle.

So yes, he has a nose.

Hufflepuff house then all bowed to the Dark Lord, because they are all obviously Death Eaters. Apart from Cedric who was killed for betraying them and being in a really bad movie. Looking at you Twilight franchise.

There was no hope for the boy.

Harry blushed as soon as Voldemort entered the room. He kept fantasising of the stunning Dark Lord kissing him. Unknown to him, Voldemort was also thinking about Harry, however those thoughts were not so innocent as kissing. Obviously.

He is a sixty year old man, despite his young looks, for fucks sake!

Hermione was also interested in the Death Eaters, specifically one insane witch named Bellatrix.

“My lord, can I go torture some muggles after tea?”

“Sure.” The Dark Lord was distracted by Harry’s lithe body and so wasn’t really paying attention to what Bellatrix was saying.

“Why would you want to torture muggles?” Hermione asks, curious over why you would ever torture someone.

“Because the ministry said not to.”

To Hermione, with her new hatred of authority figures, this logic was sound. She could completely understand where Bellatrix was coming from. In fact, doing so may relieve the constant stress of being around people too stupid to wipe their own bottoms without help.

“Let’s go together.” They linked arms and apparated away to the nearest muggle town to start some good torture.

“Rude, they didn’t invite me!” The cow was sick of being forgotten in all this craziness. Unfortunately no one paid attention to her, or the dead body at her feet. They were all too busy eye fucking each other, or actually fucking in the case of Neville and the twins, and Lucius and Severus.

Those boys literally can’t keep it in their pants. 

Voldemort and Harry only had eyes for each other. One was looking like a dangerous predator ready to attack his prey. The other, like an innocent lamb.

Voldemort was obviously the lamb. 

Soon they gravitated to each other and locked in a passionate kiss. The amount of lust and passion in the kiss caused all the members of the newly founded Yaoi/Yuri club to faint.

The cow shrugged and having done its job, walked off alone into the sunset. She was soon joined by her many sister wives, her cat editor and her Daddy….who were all very talented chickens.

The End

Epilogue

Severus had to quit his job after not being able to stop shagging Lucius for more than five minutes.

Fred, George and Neville married and trained their many kids in the art of pranking. Everyone feared the day the first child walked into Hogwarts.

Luna ended up marrying a crumple horned snorkack in Vegas. She proved they existed and that human/snorkack relations are actually possible. Somehow.

Hermione is wanted in every country for acts of terrorism, torture and awesomeness. Also she married Bellatrix after Bellatrix split from her husband. Cos she wanted to have fun.

Ron just stayed in the Great Hall for all eternity, having united all three hallows and becoming the Master of Death. Sometimes Death comes to eat with him and they have a great time.

Ginny, Dumbledore, Umbridge, Trelawney and JarJar are all viciously attacked in the afterlife for their cruel deeds. Lily and James are the head of the ‘I hate Dumbledore, Ginny, Umbridge, Trelawney and JarJar club’. Because they both were big fans of Star Wars, even though they were dead when most of the movies came out. Don’t question it.

Minerva Mcgonagall stopped denying her feelings ended up getting in a serious relationship with Mrs Norris. Don’t ask, just don’t ask. 

Once Sirius heard of the events that happened he burst out laughing and never stopped. Some say he is still laughing. 

Remus still stayed with Sirius, despite the fact he does nothing but laugh, and ate so much chocolate it cured his lycanthropy. 

Draco got exported to Russia for disorderly conduct. He may have defiled the Sorting Hat…..we don’t talk about it.

The Giant Squid ended up marrying a drunk Blaise Zabini. I think Blaise regrets it. Oh well.

Harry and Voldemort married and became Emperors of the Galaxy, bringing a new age of the Sith. All their children became Sith and they got rid of that stupid rule of only two are allowed. Rubbish.

And the cow…..the cow went back to where she was needed most. In front of a computer writing the next chapter of The Angel, My Consort, which should really be finished by now. Honestly, writers block is not a good enough excuse. Pleb.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday to me! I'm three hundred and three! I'll eat some more chocolate, to cure lycanthropy.
> 
> So, yeah. I was going to update both my stories on my birthday but did not finish The Angel, My consort, so decided to write this one-shot instead. At least you get something. Well, need to write the next chapter...Bye!


End file.
